Okay yesterday I let my panic and anxiety get the better of me. I unloaded on H about how worried I was about him keeping up his studies and how all I see him doing is watching tv and playing video games. After I was done ranting, I was able to take it all back and he didn't get upset. I just got overwhelmed by all these feelings and thoughts. Things like "why doesn't he have any interests besides tv and video games?" "He never seems to follow an interest on his own, if I want him doing something else I have to lead him." "Is he not interested in anything else, does he just not care?" "What about school, what about learning, doesn't he want to learn anything?" I have to admit that I am still a little conflicted. I know that he is only 8, so it's not likely that he is going to invest his own time, without help from me, into a project or interest. I guess I just wish he would do something on his own, without me mentioning or me leading or me initiating. I do all the reading of books, I do the pondering out loud, I do the "wow, wouldn't it be cool to think about this..." I guess another worry I have is that I am too hands-on, I don't give him the space he needs to feel confident to try something on his own, he always thinks he needs my help before even trying something. But I don't know how to wean him off needing me for everything. I have tried to just let go, let him do whatever he wants but all he does is watch tv and play video games. I mean occasionally he will want me to read to him or play a game with me, but for the most part if we are home he is in front of a screen. I guess I just feel frustrated, I want us to do something together, but I don't want to be the one who decides what we do???? I want him to decide, come up with the plans and start on it all on his own and then ask me for help or guidance. But I guess he is still a little young for independent work. He still has this fear of chapter books, he refuses to read books that have little words and no pictures. He can do it, he just won't even try. So I do all the reading, which I enjoy reading and have enjoyed the books I have read to him. Okay I just feel like I am going round in circles with this. I need to find peace and understanding that things are okay. That it's my own insecurity or need for some sort of measure of how he is doing. I need to let go, to trust that he has the curiousity and desire to learn and I really need to trust that he will find his own interests and that I need to stop digging to find them and then thrust them on him. That he needs to learn how to follow his interests and to wait for him to ask for help and not be over-bearing when he does. I realize now that I am so quick to take the first sign of an interest and go and get tons of books out from the library about it, but I don't really include him in the process. I just do it, thinking that I will just read the books to him and we will explore the subject together. I need to relax and let it happen. I just need to stop getting so worked up and worried. I know that another part of my problem is that we have C during the week and so I don't really spend anytime or attention on just H during the day. That is hard for both him and me. I need to change that and C will just have to deal with not always being the center of attention.
Things are looking up. It's always so good to get it all out, work it through and then move on.
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