kicking down the walls...

Last night H got to do something most 8 year old boys never get a chance to do. He got to kick down a wall. He loved it. His dad took him down in the basement and he was like, "dad what are we going to do down here" his dad looked at him and then kicked a big hole in one of the walls down there. H's eyes lit up! and he went at it and had a ball kicking down the wall. He came upstairs and told me "I just got to do something that any 8 year old boy would love to do, and I got to do it!" It was pretty cool.

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

It snowed last week-end and we had a ball. We made a snowman in our front yard and went sledding down the infamous Art Hill here in St. Louis. Here are pics!

Wow

On a lighter note, H and I have been playing WoW (World of Warcraft). H really is digging it. He has tried almost all of the different types of players. I have stuck mainly to the Tauren, I have a level 13 Tauren druid, she is pretty cool. Last night H and I created night elve Hunters, and went questing together. H is a little bossy and got upset way too quickly when we had to find things. And then his computer started acting up, and that was getting him frustrated as well. I am just unsure how we are going to both be able to keep playing together. I don't like the idea of us both having to pay for accounts, but I guess that is what is going to have to happen. We'll see what the hubby says as far as if we can pay for the accounts. Maybe Christmas can help with some of the money. I really like WoW, it's pretty cool. My Tauren is a skinner and leatherworker. I am hoping that I can at some point find some other friends to play with on there. I know my friend in Colorado used to play.

I still don't quite get the guilds, what are they for?....

all the bad news

It seems like lately everytime I read a headline it's about someone shooting up a mall or church or schoolbus. Well those are the ones I have seen in the last week or so. This is supposed to be a giving time of year, but it is so stressful. You go out on the week-end and there are at least 10x as many people out as there used to be. Everyone trying to buy all those presents we have to get for everyone.

Well last night all this bad news struck close to home for us. No, nobody was shot, thank goodness it wasn't that serious. Our neighbors car which was parked right outside on the street was broken into and all his stereo stuff was stolen. The crooks broke out 3 windows. Why 3 windows, except that maybe there were a couple of them and they each just started in on a window. We just got our new Versa over the week-end, which was parked right out there too, it would have been a real bummer if it would have been our car. As it is I am just bummed that it happened, and feel terrible that it was our neighbor. Crime is ugly no matter where it happens or who the victim is. It saddens me and frustrates me that someone felt that they had to break into the car and steal the stereo equipment and CDs.

stupid behavior

Ya know, last week I was feeling blah and anxious and just yucky. I couldn't really put my finger on what it was that was bothering me. This week has been better, but it's because I finally figured out what it was that was bugging me. I hadn't heard from H's dad about Christmas. It was that simple, I was fretting over it because it was still an unknown. I called him on Monday night and now it's not an unknown and I feel better.

I seem to be really good at that. At hiding my stressors from my conscious mind. I don't obsess about it consciously but it's always going on in the background and my conscious mind keeps me busy so I can't put a name on the stressor. I go through like a manic state in the beginning where my conscious mind keeps me so busy trying to get me to ignore the stressor that I am too busy to stop and think about it. Usually after that stage if I allow myself some quiet centering time, I can usually figure out what it is that is bothering me. I wish I could cut out the manic stage and just be able to center and face the stressor. I guess it just takes constant practice, because that is how I learned to cope with stress, but it is so hard on me. I get so worked up during the manic stage, I am miserable and miserable to be around. I know that I am not teaching H, healthy ways to deal with stress. I can only keep on identifying when I am doing it and try to cut it off.

a new car

We are thinking about buying a new car. Over the week-end we went and looked at the Nissan Versa and test drove one. We also looked at the Honda Fit but weren't able to test drive one because of some recall thing that the dealership had to take care of before any more test drives. We have a minivan now, which just takes too much gas. It's great for our long trips down to FL, but not so good in the city. Most of our driving is in the city. A hybrid, like the Prius would be great but just a little too pricey. So since we only have one car, we would like to have more space than a sedan for all the stuff we like to haul, but gets good gas mileage. My hubby liked the versa because of all the leg room in the back seats, I am still not sure, the honda's back seats fold down to the floor which is really cool, but it doesn't quite have as much room in the back seat. Maybe this week or week-end we can go test drive a Fit and then go back and test out the Versa and see what we think. We are actually thinking of getting a manual, yeah! That would be great, I like sticks.
Any thoughts.......

cookies, cookies, cookies

So I need to find a couple of really yummy recipes for christmas cookies. Next Sunday I think some of my family are getting together to make christmas cookies. I found one called double chocolate sables(or sandies) which looked really good, but need another one to bring to hopefully make. Hmmmm.....

Please share any yummy recipes you have tried.

giving spirit

Yesterday H and I went through all his toys and books and got about 3 boxes together to give to my mom's church for needy children. I was so proud of H, I know how hard it is sometimes to part with things, and in the past he hasn't done so well with parting. I guess he is growing up, because yesterday was great. And what is even better is I think he felt really good about giving his stuff away. He also came up with a great idea for his own personal way to help others this christmas season. He wants to see what is on the humane society's wish list and go and buy some things for them with his own money.

This time of year sometimes it's hard to give anything extra because you have so much shopping to do and places to go and cookies to bake, and end of year taxes to pay. I make a point of giving something, even if it's just a quarter every time I pass a salvation army kettle. There are so many out there in this big wide world who have so much less than I do. I might be knee deep in debt but I have a roof over my head and food in my pantry and fridge and a wonderful family who loves me. When you boil it all down to what is really important, that is it, all the rest is just bonus!:)

tummy gurgles...

Today while eating lunch C's tummy gurgled and he noticed. It made him smile and he wanted to know if I had heard it too. I told him it was his tummy making noises. He wanted to look at his tummy and then he clapped, which is his way of saying "more". It was a precious moment, he wanted his tummy to do more gurgling.

Life of Fred

Today I got the first Life of Fred book called Fractions. I am eager to read it and am hopeful that it will be a good book to read with H. He is very practical, and so I see that the only way for him to learn math is by actually using it. I will post my thoughts as I read through it.

.... in a rut....

Okay, so we have been back from vacation and during the day H basically spends all the time we are at home playing video games or watching tv. He will watch tv even when there is nothing on. When I asked him if there was something else he would like to do, he tells me that if I want to do something I just have to let him know. I just don't want to be in there with him when the tv is on. I will watch some shows with him, but I am so easily sucked in. I am very visual. I can't fall asleep if there's a tv on, no matter how tired I am. He is looking to me for different things to do and I just feel blah. I want him to take some initiative. I try to talk to him about different things to do. We started making Artist trading cards before Thanksgiving and he got into that a bit. We read a great book called Varjak Paw. I read it to him, he still always wants me to read aloud. I want us to do some different learning together, but that means me reading something and well I just get tired of reading everything. I know I am throwing myself a pity party. Maybe it's because I feel like I am in a rut. I have lost my direction with my interests and so it's the mood in the house during the day. I also feel like it's impossible to do very much during the day while I am babysitting, C, is just too demanding of attention. It's good to get this out, because I really think I need to re-center and figure out my direction again and I think it will help H to get his direction back.

We got some books out from the library, mostly Christmas books. I got a few on the history and symbolism of christmas and one about the physics of christmas. Maybe these books will help us get back on track and enjoying life and eager for more learning.

I know that we are learning everyday, but I guess what it really is.....we aren't connecting, we aren't really spending any creative time together and it bothers me. But yet, I just want to blame the tv, because all he does is watch it. But I guess if I took more of an interest or offered alternatives then we could find other fun things to do together.

I am really just trying to give him the freedom to choose what he wants to do, but I worry that he doesn't know that he has options. Like maybe he thinks that because I am on my computer I am not there for him. So maybe I need to give a little more and see what happens. At first I was upset at all the tv time and sort of took it out on H, now I just sort of ignore him while he's watching. Neither of those are good for either of us, so I need to get back on track. The winter just puts me in a blah mood and not having a direction does it too.

a difference in words and meanings

Last night my mom and dad came over for dinner. I really wanted to see them, it had been a couple of weeks. We were happily eating the yummy chilli my hubby made when out of the blue my mother says, "I am not going to call myself a mammal anymore, I don't believe we are animals, God made us like him, we aren't like animals." ....

The red flags went up and I gave my hubby a quick look out of the corner of my eye. I think both my dad and my hubby got very uncomfortable and wanted to quickly end any conversation that might come of this declaration. I couldn't contain myself. I immediately laid into her, how we aren't different and how that is being judgemental and putting humans up on some pedestal. Saying we are better when we aren't. Her argument was that we have self-awareness and are conscious of what we do. We can build things and have all this technology, and well, no animals have that. I was on the edge of my chair cringing. I was having trouble seeing past her need to judge animals against us because God made us in his likeness. My mother is very religious and the sermon yesterday must have been about man and animals. After arguing for a bit, I let her talk and I really listened to what she was saying. Then she let me say why I attacked her.

I have real trouble when people try to separate us from the rest of the living world, we all came from the same place and we will all go back to the same place in the end. Just because humans have self-awareness and can build things and have all this technology it doesn't make our ways better or more justified. I am not an animal rights activist, I am into animal welfare. When we see ourselves as different and better than animals, we see them as less and therefore expendable. If we don't see ourselves like animals and as mammals then how can we possibly all live together on this planet respecting each others cultures and way of life.

In my work at the zoo, that is the biggest message we push is how similar we all really are, to help people get a sense of belonging to nature not something outside of it because we live in houses and never really have to go outside except to get into our cars. We must continue to cultivate in our children an appreciation for all life and for all of nature. When they learn to enjoy it and love it they will want to preserve it and take care of it. When they see it as something separate from themselves, well, they just won't care.

My mom and I came to the realization that we were both thinking the same thing, our words just weren't the same. She wanted to call us separate to say that if we were all living in God's love and light that we would all be stewards of our earth, we would love and care for it and care for all living things, because that is what God wanted for us. However that is not the reality and that what I was saying was also true that we cannot separate ourselves, once we separate, well that is when we stop caring. We start thinking we are different, we are better, who cares, we can make artificial environments, and well we don't really need this or that species, they just get in the way, they are so different from us anyway, who needs them.
It was good to have the argument, but sometimes my mom is so into her God, that she fails to see how things really are and how she needs to lead by example instead of how things should be. She talks about man's fall as if it doesn't have to be that way, but it does, and it always will be. Man has free will and people will do what they want, when they want and what suits them best. Ignorance is bliss, what we don't know won't hurt us, but may be deadly to someone else(animals included). My mom accused me of being close-minded, and yet I was able to see where she was coming from, and we agreed that God intended us to be stewards, that our relationship to other animals is a stewardship, to care for them and watch over them. But we don't do that and well just look at the way we treat each other let alone another species. I just don't like making us separate as if our ways are better, it's judging, and that is not for us to do.

Okay there's my rant.

Wow, two weeks have passed by since my last post. Time moves so fast. I still have not gotten the pictures from our trip off my camera. I will work on that. I have been looking at the live and learn conference website and I think I want to go next fall. I know H and I would enjoy it. My hubby on the other hand, was like what would H and I do there while you are at the conference. I tried to explain that it would be for all of us, that there would be stuff to do for all of us and plenty of people around to talk to. I will just have to work on him for the rest of the year until next September.

We are back! We got back from vacation on Monday. We went to Orlando and Tampa, Florida. While in Tampa we went to Busch Gardens, it was a great time. And in Orlando we went to Sea World. I took some great pics with my new camera. I will post some once I get them off my camera. It was a great vacation. It was an animal centered vacation. Now that I am a docent at our zoo, it was really neat to be able to see all the animals so up close and personal at Busch Gardens and at Sea World. I will have to write up a summary of all the things we did and post it.

So today is halloween, H is a little bouncy off the walls. He's so excited about trick or treating tonight. Luckily he has decided to spend most of the afternoon outside playing.

I sat down today to write out the things I really want to learn and do. I got a good little list going. I think most of the things I can do, there's a long term project or two on the list. I just need to figure out how to approach those and I will get them done. I hoped that by sharing my list with H, it would help him to get focused on what he might want to be learning about. Not that he has to pick anything, but just encouraging him that the whole wide world is open to him.

Here's a cool blur, and an alert kitty and a dog with a weird blurry head!

Yipppeee! I got my new camera today. It's not new but it's new to me, it's a pentax dslr! its so keewwwwllll! here are some pics that I took this evening, I am loving just taking pics of the animals. I am not sure they appreciate it much. I had fun! Thanks boys!

There he is H as Jango Fett having a little lunch before some trick or treating! Hopefully on halloween he will let me take a good one of him.

Today we had a halloween party to go to. While we were there we found a walking stick. It was really cool. A lot of the kids wanted it to climb on them. It seemed to really like hair because it seemed to climb up every kid towards their hair. H didn't really want to have it on him. He put on his Jango Fett gloves and picked it up and then someone else had a turn with the walking stick. I only got one pic of H and of course he turned his head just as I snapped the pic! I will post that next.

I just seem to get so busy and forget to post. I have been slipping a little bit in my unschooling mindset. I am anxious about our upcoming vacation and am a little stressed so I think I am partially reverting back to the old ways. I try to note in my nightly journal the changes I see in H since I started this unschooling journey. He seems more confident, he is definetely more willing to help others. Last week H and I went to get our hair cut at Great Clips, we always go there. I have always let H do what he wants with his hair, he's not as daring as I am, yet, so he normally just wants a trim. He is really tall for his age, he's only 8 but he looks almost 12. The hair stylist calls his name and without even really acknowledging him looks my direction and asks how to cut his hair. I looked at H and asked him if he just wanted a trim, he said yes, so I turned back to the stylist and told her that he just wants a trim and that he knows what he wants. I was amazed at how rude it was of her to not even ask him considering he was by then standing right next to her. I didn't talk to H about it, but he must have felt so small standing there, like a 2 year old having adults talk over him. I tried to bring him into the conversation to give him a voice but I think I could have done a better job. But if I hadn't started being a more mindful parent I don't think I would have even noticed how she treated him. This is definetely a learning journey for me.

Here is Maliha itching her back side on the stump. At one point she got too close to the electric fence and it sounded like it shocked her. Her mom didn't take too much notice. Ellie is a great mom, she figured Maliha needs to learn.

This is beautiful Maliha with her mom Ellie. I can't remember how much Maliha weighs but she is doing very well for a 14 month old elephant. She had the worst itch while I was watching her. I will have to post some pics of her scratching herself on the tree stump. She was a joy to watch. I had a great day interacting with the public last Sunday!

Here is a picture of part of our wonderful greek feast that H helped to make to celebrate ancient greece. We have been studying ancient greece and so we made lamb skewers, dolmades, and a delicious orange yogurt cake. It was a yummy feast. H got really good at rolling up grape leaves. We invited my mom and dad over to share our feast. I wish I would have gotten pictures of us feasting but it just wasn't in the cards.

It's Friday! The end of another week. I am trying to learn so much from H. This week over dinner one night we had a great talk about math, about how much a ton is and the weight limits on bridges and what they mean. It was wonderful to listen to his thoughts and how much he has thought about these things. Yesterday he called his grandma and pretty much read her the book we have about really big numbers, he just wanted to share them with her. I am really trying to listen to him and his needs and wants before my controlling instincts take over. I try not to control his food too much, but it's true I won't let him eat ice cream for breakfast, or cupcakes, but when I can I let him explore his limits. He has always been a good eater and if given a choice between candy and fruit he always chooses the fruit. I am a candy freak so we have always had candy. Soda, I am not real big on soda, so we don't typically have it around the house. When we go out I let him choose what kind he wants to get. I know I could be less controlling so that he could learn more, but I do tell him why I want to limit certain foods. I am just learning so much now that I have allowed myself to open up to him. It is amazing, when I slip into that teacher mode that we did for the last 2 years, he just disappears. He will do what I ask him to do, but we stop being authentic with each other and the trust disappears. The hardest part for me is that I watch a 16 month old little boy who takes up my time. But who knows maybe even if I didn't watch him, maybe I still wouldn't have the time that I feel I need to spend the time exploring and learning with H. I have so enjoyed the times so far that we have had learning and playing together. If only he just wanted to write down his ideas. I am still asking him to write a journal every evening. I am trying to model writing in a journal for him, and how much I enjoy it, but it is so hard to trust that he will want to do it too. I need to figure out what he would want to say if really given the chance to write something and how he would want to do it, what medium..... Ah well, it's been a really good year so far. I am trying to keep my worrying down to a minimum, because he really is learning, it's just not like in a school.

Here is a picture of H's cupcake creations. He had a cupcake 101 class where he got to make these wonderful goodies. It was last month, but hey at least I am finally getting around to posting a pic. He has another cupcake class in November and the theme is faux food, so those should be a lot of fun!

A/C is awesome. We just barely survived the week-end without air conditioning. Last night I barely slept because I was just too hot. At night it was only getting down to 80 degrees in the house, and that was in the downstairs. But it's all fixed now. I am spoiled by A/C, I remember living without it and going to school with out it, but I just can't do it now.

On a different note. Today H had a nature club class through our learning coop. They made backpacks out of old jeans and went for a hike. They found most of a deer skeleton. H brought home a few bones and we boiled them. whew! stinky, smelled like we were making a really gamey deer stew. Hopefully they will dry out and be great bones to hold onto. I will have to post a pic of them.

today I wasn't believed........ I told another adult something today and I don't feel like they believed what I said. It's happened before, but I have forgotten how much it hurts my feelings and how frustrating it is. It made me feel so small and stupid. I am a pretty smart person, I don't know everything but I am reliable and trustworthy so when someone doesn't believe what I say it really bugs me. I wonder if it's the same way H feels when he tells me something and I am not sure if I believe him or not. I hope I don't do it often to him, so from now on I will be more aware of if I am doing it.

Today we went on a field trip with some other homeschoolers to Cici's pizza. It was fun. All the kids got to make their own pizza, and not a little one but a big pizza and pick what toppings they wanted to put on them. They got to see behind the scenes in the kitchen and the pizza ovens. It was pretty cool. I got a couple of pics of Hunter making pizza. Here's one:

Yesterday I posted about my educational experience so today it's about my sons journey so far.

I pulled my son out of the 1st grade, I pulled him out in October of 1st grade. I saw him going down the path of hating learning, of behavior modification, of completely tuning out just to make it through the school day. It was both scary and eye-opening. I was never able to stay home with him, so from about 10 weeks on he was always in home care or daycare and then school. He loved it until 1st grade. Kindergarten was still fun, even though they had done away with play centers, there was still fun, even if mundane things to do during the day, there was play. Learning to walk in a line and not touch your neighbors was there too and he worked on that but he loved the playing and the being told stories and such. And then 1st grade came........ with silly workbooks, and pages to do everyday. Where you had to sit still and you couldn't talk to anyone even though you were sitting not 2 feet away from at least 3 other children your age. Even when you finished your work you couldn't talk. There was behavior modification to try to keep the classroom in check, my son learned first hand how this works. He lost recess many times, his only chance to get out his need for physicalness with other children he lost because it was so hard to contain it in the classroom. He learned the behavior mod game. It got to the point where he hated school, thought his teacher hated him, didn't want to go to school anymore..... except.... to get a green day behavior-wise so that if he got 3 in a row I would do something special with him or take him to the book store to buy a book or a toy. I admit I played along, did my part of rewarding him for good behavior, all the while worrying what to do. I talked to his teacher and she assured me that she very much enjoyed having him in her classroom. That he was a good child, just was a talker, and often times finished his work early and then would talk and help the other children at his table. Well the teacher didn't want him to help the other children because he might not be showing them the correct way to complete the worksheets, or he might just do their work for them so they could be done with it. So he was always getting in trouble. She told me in her own words that he "was bored" but then offered no remedy to the problem. I was glad that she recognized the problem but I was watching my son turn into little boy who was being hurt and losing his confidence and his love of learning and of being proud of his work. After a few more talks with the teacher and the guidance counselor I just made the move and pulled him out of school.

So then I was schooling him at home. I bought the different books and workbooks and made him do workbooks. I forced him and pushed him. That first year was tough on both of us. But he wanted to be at home. I was so worried about getting him the information he needed and getting the workbook pages finished. It was so stressful!!! for both of us. Then came second grade, I made some changes but still stuck with the workbooks and such, that were so boring and meaningless. Second grade I think was a little bit better, but I still pushed and prodded and got stressed and anxious and made my son that way too. With all my work, I know that he didn't learn all the things I forced him to read and do. He just went through the motions to satisfy me. At the very end of second grade I was ready to quit. I wasn't happy, my son wasn't happy. I was in fact miserable, I realized that I was not enjoying the time I spent with my son. I felt awful. I realized that I could not do this anymore. I wanted to have a meaningful relationship with my son. And since he is my only child and we are together all the time I want us to like each other and have fun. He is growing up so fast, I will miss it if I don't start to enjoy it. I missed so much when he was a baby and toddler back when I had to work to support us.

I did a lot of searching, soul searching and looking for books. I had bought Llewellyn's Teenager Liberation book a while ago, but hadn't yet read it because I figured I had some time since ds is only 8. I am so glad I read it, it made so much sense. It helped me to think about my experiences in school and how awful most of them were. How much information was thrown at me and how little I actually internalized. How little has stayed with me. Learning all that stupid sentence diagramming and grammar rules didn't really teach me how to write, practice did, enjoying writing did, writing because I wanted to write did.

So then I read John Holt's book... I agreed with what he was saying, it made such good sense to me. When I really sat back and just observed I realized that my son is learning all the time. I got really excited, but also really scared. This was totally foreign to me, it seemed like it was going to be a lot of work on my part because I knew my son was going to question it and wait for the old teacher/mom to come back in. I also came to realize that we didn't trust each other. I didn't trust him and he didn't trust me. We both had done or said things that were mean and hurtful and had both gone back on things we said we were going to do. I had a long heart to heart with my son, and let him know that I wanted things to change. That I wanted to be honest with him and I wanted for us to trust each other and just be open and honest, and to hold each other to that with out blaming or guilt. It took a serious change in me. I had to let go of the control that I had held on to so tightly. Although looking at it now I really had no control at all. I had to let go and trust. I had to be honest with myself and with him. It came easier to him that it did to me, but I think it's more natural for him. When we are in sync and being honest and open with each other we have great times. I enjoy playing games with him and answering his many questions, and I know he enjoys having a mom who is involved in what interests him.

We started this school year off great, but after about a week and a half, I started getting panicky and worried that we weren't doing enough. I began trying to control what my son was doing, at first just little things, little exercises I introduced into our day. I thought hey they aren't that much, it's okay, they don't take too much time. But they made me become a teacher, not an interested student, and they made my son become a controlled child again. And sure enough we stopped trusting each other and everything that had been good between us was all ruined. I started to feel awful again and didn't want to be around him and he had no desire to do anything with me. I caught myself and we talked about what had happened and he told me that the little exercises I was making him do, he hated!

It's such a struggle for me to let go, but yet it is so much better when I let go. We get along so much better and support each other and are more willing to hear the other one out.

I remember one day during the first or second week after we began being open and honest with each other. I was having a stressful day, I felt like I was being pulled in too many different directions. I told my ds what I was going through because I was being honest and open and he could of course feel my stress. At one point he just grabbed me and hugged me and said "Mom, it's okay" It was exactly what I needed, I needed someone else to acknowledge my experience and be in that moment with me. And you know what after that I didn't feel nearly as stressed, it was wonderful!

I had many moments like that with ds during those first two weeks. Then like I said I relapsed into the old controlling, I have to teach him things mode, and ruined it. We are still working to get back to where we were.

I have to say that I am still struggling with letting go. I am still worried that he won't get his multiplication facts down like all the other third graders are this year, and I am worried that he won't write enough. I have narrowed it down to those 2 fears, and have told them to him. So together we have problem solved ways to help me deal with my fears! Children are truly so smart and so eager to learn new ways of doing things.

So anyway, in this blog I hope to journal all the things I learn and that we do on this adventure we are doing together!

I have been meaning to start this blog for some time now.... Over the summer I read a book by John Holt called Freedom and Beyond, as well as Grace Llewellyn's Teenage Liberation Book. I loved both of them. They both spoke to me. School was very oppressive for me.

I was a sensitive, shy, somewhat consciencious child and very self-conscious teen-ager. I was always in with the in crowd, but felt an enormous amount of peer pressure. I hated school, I know so many people who love their high school days. I hated them, I couldn't wait to be done with school. I finally made the decision to go to college and hated it as well. I almost dropped out of high school at the end of my freshman year, but my mom and the asst. principal(disciplinarian) talked me out of it. I got into a lot of trouble that year, all the while telling my mom that I didn't want to go to school anymore. At one point she actually took me seriously and asked me how I would make a living not going to high school. I told her that I could go to nursing school, I just needed a GED. So we went to an open house the nursing school had and I think my mom had talked to the counselor ahead of time so the tour that I went on made it look like grueling work. I never fully made the decision to go to nursing school because my mom made it seem like I would be throwing my life away by quitting school and becoming a nurse. She thought that college would give me options, that was her plea. So I decided to stick it out in high school, but I could not go back to the same high school for sophomore year, I needed a break. So I went to an all girls catholic school under the agreement that when I was having a bad day I could stay home or leave school if I needed to. My mom stuck to her side of the bargain, I didn't have too many bad days but if I needed to leave school she would call the office and tell them to let me go. That year was much more peaceful at school, not too many people knew me, so I had to keep up appearances, it was like starting over without anyone knowing my past. They just all figured I was a decent person and showed me respect as long as I showed them respect. It was a college prep school, so I had lots of free time during the day, that helped too. I had time to relax and reflect, away from the bad influences at my old school. Yet as soon as school was out I would go back to the old influences, but at least I wasn't dealing with them all day long. I had some space. I straightened out that year. Did my mum proud.

So then the following year, my Junior year, I was ready to go back to my old school. Most of the bad influences were gone and I immediately seeked out my old, old elementary school friends. They welcomed me, it was good. Not everybody trusted me or welcomed me back, but my old friends did. I had gotten into a lot of trouble freshmen year and hurt some people and they never really wanted me to come back. High school was just hard. I didn't really find myself, I lived off of everyone else, through them. Peer pressure was really hard for me to deal with. I didn't really get involved in anything extra-curricular. That bad freshmen year sort of made me feel less of a person. I forgave the things I did, but was so certain others hadn't that I didn't really get involved. I just wanted out. I wanted to be a grown-up, to be responsible. But I never really figured out my interests or what the heck I enjoyed doing. Grace's book spoke magnitudes to me! I was so self-conscious and so worried about how other people would see me, that I never really tried anything out. I had no self-confidence. If I could have quit high school and been left to my own devices, maybe I could have at least figured out some things that I enjoy and that I am good at. So I had my life back together it seemed. I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and was so scared to grow up, and yet wanted to grow up so darn badly. I took chemistry my Jr. year upon returning to my old high school and loved it. Totally understood it and was applying it in lab! It was so awesome, a light was switched on. My sr. year I took AP Chem, I didn't sit for the exam, but the class was awesome, it was sort of small and everything we did in the classroom we would then take into the lab and do experiments to see the concept in action. It was amazing. I totally got it! So I thought, okay I will study Chemistry in college.

When I got to college I found out that a Chemistry major was required to take up to Calculus 3, but I thought it's okay I will give it a try, maybe it won't be so bad. My first semester of Gen Chem was awful, nothing matched up, what we did in lab had nothing to do with our lecture class. It was awful, all the things that I understood the prior year in AP Chem no longer made sense. It was an awful eye opening experience. I suffered through it. I suffered through Organic chem, and calculus and then gave up and became a biology major.

Looking back over my many years of school there could have been so many opportunities for me that I had no idea about because of compulsory schooling and because I was shy and not sure of myself. I got a complex about math from going to school. I also got a complex about my reading from going to school. I didn't feel like I was good at either, to this day sometimes I freeze up doing math because of my experiences. I did not start reading for pleasure until I was almost 30 years old. I now love to read, can't imagine my life without reading. But that was not the case as a child and teenager and college student. I hated reading, I always felt like I was such a slow reader and would forget what I read because of it. I was pushed by all those basal (or whatever they were called) readers, with the comprehension questions. Stories about people I didn't know, and didn't care about, that were so uninteresting. Uggh, I hated having to do that in second grade.

There's my educational background. Tomorrow I will write about my sons education.

So that being my background..... I pulled my son out of the 1st grade, I pulled him out in October of 1st grade. I saw him going down the path of hating learning, of behavior modification of completely tuning out just to make it through the school day. It was both scary and eye-opening. I was never able to stay home with him, so from about 10 weeks on he was always in home care or daycare and then school. He loved it until 1st grade. Kindergarten was still fun, even though they had done away with centers, there was still fun, even if mundane things to do during the day, there was play. Learning to walk in a line and not touch your neighbors was there too and he worked on that but he loved the playing and the being told stories and such. And then 1st grade came........