Monday, May 26, 2008
garden progress
it's been almost 2 weeks since we planted the seeds in our garden. i am seeing lettuce, carrots, spinach, beans and pease all coming up. It's very exciting. We have been having so much rain, I hope the little plants make it through. We lost one watermelon plant, I don't know why, but it died. The other two still look okay. But we have little blueberries on the blueberry bush. The cliantro is trying to take over my container herb garden. I need to transplant it into it's own planter and I think everyone will be happier.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
our garden
We got our garden all straight this evening. We planted all the seeds we bought. We are hopefully going to have watermelons, tomatoes, sweet peppers, acorn squash, cucumbers, lettuce, spinach, carrots, beans, and peas. We also have a new blueberry bush, but I don't expect anything from it this year. So I am eager to see what we are able to harvest this year. It's an experiment!
National Tiger Sanctuary
We went to the National Tiger Sanctuary today, it was really a neat field trip! Their website is http://www.nationaltigersanctuary.org/ it was amazing, and I got some really great photos. It's a volunteering idea for me or H one day.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Anger management
I tend to have a short fuse, and well it is becoming more and more apparent that H does too. He has been flying off the handle at little things and big things. Today he was just mean to me. Sometimes I wonder if he is asking me for limits, that he is uncomfortable with me just letting things happen. Some of the things he has done over the last month... I can remember things he has said basically asking me to discipline him. I guess when I was disciplining he knew I cared, he knew how I felt, now even though I tell him I love him and that i don't want him to be angry or have yucky feelings, he wants my actions to show it as well, or something. I used to get really mad and just end the conversation by telling him to go to his room or to tell him I need some space to just leave me alone. But it was always me having the power, now I am letting him have the power and it is sometimes leaving me feeling powerless over what is happening. I want to be the nurturing parent I read about, the one who just hugs her child when he is having a yucky feeling, and I have tried that, but I think H would get annoyed with that really quick. I try to just be in the moment, that seems to piss him off, he wants me to be reactionary and when I am not, he taunts me more. It is really becoming a problem. I am really trying to analyze my behavior and am finding some things that I need to just let go.
The one thing I am doing is not catching my tongue about the irritations, so when he is doing something that isn't really a big deal but is bothering me I say something, he doesn't listen, I say something again, he doesn't listen and then I fly off the handle. Or the other situation that arises is that I set a limit, and he pushes and I decide that he is right that I really don't need to set that limit or that decision or whatever it is, so I let it go. But then even though I have conceded, that is how i feel, I feel unlistened to, under appreciated, and sort of walked on. It has just gotten so tough!
I have a really hard time when H gets mad and mean, because I watch a 2 year old little boy and I really don't think it's fair for H to treat him badly. So H will call him names and be mean to him and it just really irks me, but then H wants me to play with him after he has just made my day harder. It's really been a push and pull kind of place around here lately. I am really trying, but a big part of me, just wants to take back all the control, and put H back in his place, get things back to where I rule and he has to follow the rules. I know that isn't what I really want but I am questioning whether this is right and healthy for him at this point in his life. He seems to be questioning whether he is worthy.... I don't know, he has just done a lot of talking about how he wishes he were dead and asking me and god why he was even born.... stuff that is very scary and upsetting to me.
Today he was mean and mad because World of Warcraft was doing their maintenance so he couldn't play so he called the 2 year old an idiot and threw the blocks we were all playing with around yelled and went into the other room and kicked a box around. The blocks he was playing with kept falling apart, and he was getting frustrated but when I asked him why he was so mad, he told me it was because he couldn't play WoW. His reaction just didn't seem quite in line with not being able to play a game. So then he mentioned that he was mad at me for taking on this babysitting job, that the 2 year old has been the cause of our problems. Then he wanted to treat the 2 year old how I treat him, with the same expectations. There is a big difference between a 9 year old and a 2 year old development wise and he was being totally unreasonable. I just tried to make it clear that we all have to feel safe in this house and that we can't treat each other in such a mean way. I don't know....
I know that me babysitting hasn't been easy on him or on me. But I made the commitment and it's almost over, and I don't think our relationship is going to miraculously change once he is gone. H has just had a really hard time sharing me, although, he used to have to share me with work and school, so I just don't know where he is coming from. I feel so lost with how to work with him....
The one thing I am doing is not catching my tongue about the irritations, so when he is doing something that isn't really a big deal but is bothering me I say something, he doesn't listen, I say something again, he doesn't listen and then I fly off the handle. Or the other situation that arises is that I set a limit, and he pushes and I decide that he is right that I really don't need to set that limit or that decision or whatever it is, so I let it go. But then even though I have conceded, that is how i feel, I feel unlistened to, under appreciated, and sort of walked on. It has just gotten so tough!
I have a really hard time when H gets mad and mean, because I watch a 2 year old little boy and I really don't think it's fair for H to treat him badly. So H will call him names and be mean to him and it just really irks me, but then H wants me to play with him after he has just made my day harder. It's really been a push and pull kind of place around here lately. I am really trying, but a big part of me, just wants to take back all the control, and put H back in his place, get things back to where I rule and he has to follow the rules. I know that isn't what I really want but I am questioning whether this is right and healthy for him at this point in his life. He seems to be questioning whether he is worthy.... I don't know, he has just done a lot of talking about how he wishes he were dead and asking me and god why he was even born.... stuff that is very scary and upsetting to me.
Today he was mean and mad because World of Warcraft was doing their maintenance so he couldn't play so he called the 2 year old an idiot and threw the blocks we were all playing with around yelled and went into the other room and kicked a box around. The blocks he was playing with kept falling apart, and he was getting frustrated but when I asked him why he was so mad, he told me it was because he couldn't play WoW. His reaction just didn't seem quite in line with not being able to play a game. So then he mentioned that he was mad at me for taking on this babysitting job, that the 2 year old has been the cause of our problems. Then he wanted to treat the 2 year old how I treat him, with the same expectations. There is a big difference between a 9 year old and a 2 year old development wise and he was being totally unreasonable. I just tried to make it clear that we all have to feel safe in this house and that we can't treat each other in such a mean way. I don't know....
I know that me babysitting hasn't been easy on him or on me. But I made the commitment and it's almost over, and I don't think our relationship is going to miraculously change once he is gone. H has just had a really hard time sharing me, although, he used to have to share me with work and school, so I just don't know where he is coming from. I feel so lost with how to work with him....
Monday, May 12, 2008
I suck at this...
I really suck at keeping a blog. I just can't seem to keep it going. I have lots of stuff going on that I want to blog, but when I sit down at my computer other stuff draws me in. I need to make it a habit, but i suppose it will come with time and effort. just like everything else does. So the last time I wrote anything was leap day. That was like almost 3 months ago. So much has happened that I can't possibly recap it all. So I will start fresh and begin blogging with today....
The sun actually shone all day today! It was wonderful. The little plants we got in the garden on Saturday I am sure are loving it. We were able to plant the watermelon plants, the tomatoes, and the pepper plants. We still have to plant all the seeds. I am so excited to see what we can grow in our yard here.
Today I uploaded some pics to my highschool's new alumni website. I haven't joined my class' group yet. I am hesitant because I haven't really kept in touch with any people. There are some that I have tried to keep in touch with but have gotten very little response from them. They seem happy to hear from me but then don't reply to my emails. It also doesn't help that my high school career was far from normal. I had a bit of trouble early on. I straightened myself out by Jr. year but I hurt some people and that hurt might still run deep. So on the one hand I want to reach out and re-connect with some of those people but on the other hand I am not sure if they are even interested in talking to me. My goodness how self-conscious I am. Sort of silly now that I have written it out, does it really matter how the people from my high school remember me. That was then and this is now. If they aren't interested so be it.
The sun actually shone all day today! It was wonderful. The little plants we got in the garden on Saturday I am sure are loving it. We were able to plant the watermelon plants, the tomatoes, and the pepper plants. We still have to plant all the seeds. I am so excited to see what we can grow in our yard here.
Today I uploaded some pics to my highschool's new alumni website. I haven't joined my class' group yet. I am hesitant because I haven't really kept in touch with any people. There are some that I have tried to keep in touch with but have gotten very little response from them. They seem happy to hear from me but then don't reply to my emails. It also doesn't help that my high school career was far from normal. I had a bit of trouble early on. I straightened myself out by Jr. year but I hurt some people and that hurt might still run deep. So on the one hand I want to reach out and re-connect with some of those people but on the other hand I am not sure if they are even interested in talking to me. My goodness how self-conscious I am. Sort of silly now that I have written it out, does it really matter how the people from my high school remember me. That was then and this is now. If they aren't interested so be it.
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