Christmas morning...

Here's an anxious little boy who is so ready to open some presents! There is our tree before the unwrapping began. My mom and dad usually join us on Christmas morning but they decided to go down to Florida to spend Christmas with my grandma(little grandma). Toby(our little dog) was curious as to what all the fuss was about. We all got fun presents, H got Wow cards and D and D minis, as well as some magic cards. Curtis got a beer making kit, that should be fun!

Hunter's new blog

Well I haven't been blogging here, but we set up a blog for H man. He has his very own blog and today we posted the first posts of many:) We are investgating words and animals. It should be fun and it's nice and focused not wide open like this one is.

I feel like I need a theme for this blog. I keep saying I am going to blog about what we do everyday but I am not sure how that will work out. I suppose I just need to give it a try...

The performance of "The King and his Pot of Gold"

H was one of the narrator's in this wonderful play that our learning co-op's Jr. Drama Club put on at our holiday party. He did a great job. All the performers did a great job.

Christmas decorating...

Isn't Sammy adorable! He is my good kitty who goes potty on the toilet! Although he didn't like it much when we replaced his toilet.






Here is our decorated living room and our wonderful tree! It's still pretty warm outside most days so it's hard to believe that Christmas is coming.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was great, although H man was away visiting his dad. But it was a great time spent with family. It was a very small gathering. H was gone and my nephews weren't here either. They are both in Washington state now. Here are some pics:) Somehow I didn't get any pics of me or my mom, oh well, we were busy... I guess:)

Halloween

Here is H as a gladiator for Halloween. The weather was great!

"School Pictures"

Here is a great fall picture of H that I would consider his "school picture" He is growing up so fast! He is so handsome

thoughts of needing to buy textbooks:(

I am on the steering committee for my local homeschool group and we had a meeting today. One mom brought her biology book and lab book that she is using with her 9 year old daughter. Another mom had her plan book with her, which I had a glance at. Her son has to take tests this year. I just stayed quiet while they all discussed how difficult it is to get their children to do any work but that they have to or else they will have to go to school.

Maybe someday I will have the courage to mention and discuss our homeschooling path, unschooling. But for now I will just wear my new Live and Learn conference T-shirt and carry around my tote bag and if they ask... well then I will talk about what we do, or rather what we don't do. We are a minority in our group, but we are accepted, and included and not singled out or anything and I am grateful for that. I love our group, but it brings up that anxiety in me of "He's not learning anything that's in that book" or "OOh, that book looks like it would be a great book for science" all those original homeschooling ideas I had that just don't work for us.

I have definetely come a long way in the last year. Last year after a meeting like today I would have freaked out and made H do some kind of school work and probably tried to make him do something on the sly, trying to make it seem like it's one of his interests. Or would have tried to take one of his interests and turned it into some kind of curriculum that included at least reading, writing, and history. But today I have no such compulsion and I am glad. There is a little voice in the back of my head that is saying, "but he won't be prepared for college if he wants to go" and it's also saying "what if he never wants to learn what all kids are supposed to know" but then luckily I have to ask that voice "what should all kids know and by what age and do they really need to know it?" A lot of that school stuff is just fluff, just extra facts, that we all forget eventually. Some things stick, but do they make our lives more joyful, well maybe if we are fact buffs like me. I love odd pieces of knowledge, but H doesn't. He isn't good with facts.

So for now I am feeling pretty good, not giving in to that little voice and just letting H be H and allow him to learn what he wants to, in his own time without my baggage or anyone else's baggage about what he should be learning because he is 9 years old.

I gave up..

Man, so last night I couldn't sleep and I came down here to my computer thinking... Hey I will blog. So I am typing up this blog, even doing hyperlinks:) and my computer decides it's going to do an update and I am about 2/3 the way done with the post and my puter shuts down!!!!

I sat there in awe as it beeped and flashed pretty colors at me...

So here goes trying to repost what I worked on last nght:

I gave up. I am no longer trying to make my own dishwasher detergent.
After having so much white residue build up on my dishes and glasses, I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to give it up. I tried adding vinegar, but learned that the best way to use vinegar is to add it in the rinse cycle. Well excuse me, but I am not that in tune with my dishwasher to know when it is entering into it's rinse cycle.

So now I am using seventh generation dishwasher detergent and am so much happier:)

I am still using borax and washing soda for laundry detergent and that is working great! I use Fels Naptha soap for stains and it does a great job.

I have found some sites for recipes for making some good smelling and working laundry detergent and I found a big bucket to make some, just got to get off my ass and make some.

Also need to figure out fabric softener... I have heard that vinegar is a good fabric softener, but it doesn't have the best flavor smell. Also I am wondering if there is any natural cure to static cling, cuz once the winter comes I will need something to get rid of it. Although I can manage with it.

Okay now in my post last night there would have been some hyperlinks to the different laundry detergent recipes but I don't have time this morning so will have to skip it.

live and learn conference

Oh wow, just got back from the L&L conference and it was a wonderful experience. I met some new friends and just feel really filled up. It was hard for us to come home, we were all sort of grumpy on the drive home. I think each of us was feeling the loss in our own ways.

I took away a lot of great information from the conference and am looking forward to more get togethers in the future. Will have to write more later. I am exhausted.

night

cleaning with green home made products....

Okay so I have been working on going green with my household cleaning products. I am using borax and washing soda for the laundry and I guess vinegar in the winter for fabric softener. For dishwasher detergent I am also using borax and washing soda. The first couple loads it was obvious we had put too much powder in it because there was film on the glasses and you could feel the dust on the plates. So third load I cut way back on how much borax and washing soda, but still yucky residue, so what do I do..... of course I turn to google. Turns out vinegar is great for a rinse aid, so I am trying vinegar in this load to see if it cuts through the residue. I just checked the glasses and they look great! I tell ya the uses for vinegar are endless! I am using it to clean just about everything. My hubby and H aren't too fond of the smell, so now if I could just find a way to mask the smell a bit all would be great in my world.

Do you have any tips on going green with household products. So far I have gone with the easier things to change, I think dishwashing liquid is going to be more of a challenge. Any tips or suggestions...?

friends...where I fit in....the kind of mom I am....

My son needs friends...

maybe it's just me worrying too much, but he wants me to play with him, and yet I know he would have so much more fun playing with friends. He tried to make friends with some neighbors here, but it didn't work out. I encouraged him to try again, that maybe it might work this time. But he doesn't want to. He says they hate him. They only played together one time, so not sure how that works. All he wants to do is watch tv and play video games and he gets mad at me when I don't want to play video games with him. I want to be his play mate and yet I also know that a friend is so much better.

He is such a social kid and yet, when it comes to one on one time with other kids he just doesn't know how to initiate it or what to do. I don't recall having this problem, but then I went to school where I could talk to my friends about what we would play after school all day! I know he wants to go back to school for the friends aspect. I was very social as a child but not so now. In fact I am almost reclusive, I enjoy being around others, I just don't really have any close friends, or even friends that I talk to on a regular basis. I keep thinking if he wants it he will go for it, but yet, he seems to see so much in his life as out of his control and that this is one more thing that he has no control over. He wants his old friend from 3 years ago. I can't get him that friend back, we've moved on and he has too.

Now that it's summer and it's just the two of us, we are going to drive each other nuts, and I guess it's more my uneasiness with him always spending time with just me. He needs my guidance to find things to do.

Why do I get this way whenever our schedule changes. I remember this happening last summer, me freaking out. I just need to relax and stop worrying about it and just be encouraging and get him out where he might meet friends. I guess I feel a lot of pressure to keep him occupied, and yet that isn't my job. I want to enjoy the summer too and do things that I want to do. Some things we will do together and some things we won't.

I guess I am also worried about next school year. I am unsure of my methods again. This past year, I just let him do whatever he wanted to because I was busy babysitting the 2 year old. Well he watched tv and played video games and that is it. He didn't really do anything else with all that free time. The little voice inside my head is saying, "he needs to learn his multiplication tables, he needs to be able to read chapter books and he needs to be able to write." He has no drive to do any of that schooly stuff. No desire. He hates writing, he will read picture books and likes it when I read to him, and hates anything that sounds like math. I suggested that we start summer journals, not diaries, just journals, to keep memories of this summer. I got really into mine and encouraged him to do the same, well he made a beautiful cover but hasn't done anything else because "he just can't do journals because you have to write and he can't write." So negative, he's so negative. So I suggested that maybe he could find ways to keep track of stuff without writing, or maybe finding the words in magazines and cutting them out, or just drawing pictures or taking pictures, or cutting out pictures and putting them in there.

We just don't work well together. I try to remain positive and helpful, but he wants me to affirm his lack of ability and won't let it go until I do. I just don't know what to do, anytime I try to help him with something he gets so defensive, like because I am trying to help him I think he is stupid. I struggle between to poles, on the one side I want to be nurturing and loving and playful, and on the other I just want to distance myself and be the teacher/slave-driver so he will just do it. We are constantly having battles of the will, or power struggles. We don't ever argue it's more about who can put the other one down. I get so sucked into it, and it never ends well. It's like we both push each other, and push each other. I just don't know what he needs most of the time, or rather I don't seem to do what he needs me to do, but I can't read his mind.

How can I empower him, how can I help him to feel like he has some control, that he can do whatever he wants and be successful at it. That is what I want for him, it's why I thought unschooling would be such a good idea. Now that it's been a year, and I still see him fighting any type of learning. I just worry.....

garden progress

it's been almost 2 weeks since we planted the seeds in our garden. i am seeing lettuce, carrots, spinach, beans and pease all coming up. It's very exciting. We have been having so much rain, I hope the little plants make it through. We lost one watermelon plant, I don't know why, but it died. The other two still look okay. But we have little blueberries on the blueberry bush. The cliantro is trying to take over my container herb garden. I need to transplant it into it's own planter and I think everyone will be happier.

our garden

We got our garden all straight this evening. We planted all the seeds we bought. We are hopefully going to have watermelons, tomatoes, sweet peppers, acorn squash, cucumbers, lettuce, spinach, carrots, beans, and peas. We also have a new blueberry bush, but I don't expect anything from it this year. So I am eager to see what we are able to harvest this year. It's an experiment!

National Tiger Sanctuary

We went to the National Tiger Sanctuary today, it was really a neat field trip! Their website is http://www.nationaltigersanctuary.org/ it was amazing, and I got some really great photos. It's a volunteering idea for me or H one day.

Anger management

I tend to have a short fuse, and well it is becoming more and more apparent that H does too. He has been flying off the handle at little things and big things. Today he was just mean to me. Sometimes I wonder if he is asking me for limits, that he is uncomfortable with me just letting things happen. Some of the things he has done over the last month... I can remember things he has said basically asking me to discipline him. I guess when I was disciplining he knew I cared, he knew how I felt, now even though I tell him I love him and that i don't want him to be angry or have yucky feelings, he wants my actions to show it as well, or something. I used to get really mad and just end the conversation by telling him to go to his room or to tell him I need some space to just leave me alone. But it was always me having the power, now I am letting him have the power and it is sometimes leaving me feeling powerless over what is happening. I want to be the nurturing parent I read about, the one who just hugs her child when he is having a yucky feeling, and I have tried that, but I think H would get annoyed with that really quick. I try to just be in the moment, that seems to piss him off, he wants me to be reactionary and when I am not, he taunts me more. It is really becoming a problem. I am really trying to analyze my behavior and am finding some things that I need to just let go.

The one thing I am doing is not catching my tongue about the irritations, so when he is doing something that isn't really a big deal but is bothering me I say something, he doesn't listen, I say something again, he doesn't listen and then I fly off the handle. Or the other situation that arises is that I set a limit, and he pushes and I decide that he is right that I really don't need to set that limit or that decision or whatever it is, so I let it go. But then even though I have conceded, that is how i feel, I feel unlistened to, under appreciated, and sort of walked on. It has just gotten so tough!

I have a really hard time when H gets mad and mean, because I watch a 2 year old little boy and I really don't think it's fair for H to treat him badly. So H will call him names and be mean to him and it just really irks me, but then H wants me to play with him after he has just made my day harder. It's really been a push and pull kind of place around here lately. I am really trying, but a big part of me, just wants to take back all the control, and put H back in his place, get things back to where I rule and he has to follow the rules. I know that isn't what I really want but I am questioning whether this is right and healthy for him at this point in his life. He seems to be questioning whether he is worthy.... I don't know, he has just done a lot of talking about how he wishes he were dead and asking me and god why he was even born.... stuff that is very scary and upsetting to me.

Today he was mean and mad because World of Warcraft was doing their maintenance so he couldn't play so he called the 2 year old an idiot and threw the blocks we were all playing with around yelled and went into the other room and kicked a box around. The blocks he was playing with kept falling apart, and he was getting frustrated but when I asked him why he was so mad, he told me it was because he couldn't play WoW. His reaction just didn't seem quite in line with not being able to play a game. So then he mentioned that he was mad at me for taking on this babysitting job, that the 2 year old has been the cause of our problems. Then he wanted to treat the 2 year old how I treat him, with the same expectations. There is a big difference between a 9 year old and a 2 year old development wise and he was being totally unreasonable. I just tried to make it clear that we all have to feel safe in this house and that we can't treat each other in such a mean way. I don't know....

I know that me babysitting hasn't been easy on him or on me. But I made the commitment and it's almost over, and I don't think our relationship is going to miraculously change once he is gone. H has just had a really hard time sharing me, although, he used to have to share me with work and school, so I just don't know where he is coming from. I feel so lost with how to work with him....

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I suck at this...

I really suck at keeping a blog. I just can't seem to keep it going. I have lots of stuff going on that I want to blog, but when I sit down at my computer other stuff draws me in. I need to make it a habit, but i suppose it will come with time and effort. just like everything else does. So the last time I wrote anything was leap day. That was like almost 3 months ago. So much has happened that I can't possibly recap it all. So I will start fresh and begin blogging with today....

The sun actually shone all day today! It was wonderful. The little plants we got in the garden on Saturday I am sure are loving it. We were able to plant the watermelon plants, the tomatoes, and the pepper plants. We still have to plant all the seeds. I am so excited to see what we can grow in our yard here.

Today I uploaded some pics to my highschool's new alumni website. I haven't joined my class' group yet. I am hesitant because I haven't really kept in touch with any people. There are some that I have tried to keep in touch with but have gotten very little response from them. They seem happy to hear from me but then don't reply to my emails. It also doesn't help that my high school career was far from normal. I had a bit of trouble early on. I straightened myself out by Jr. year but I hurt some people and that hurt might still run deep. So on the one hand I want to reach out and re-connect with some of those people but on the other hand I am not sure if they are even interested in talking to me. My goodness how self-conscious I am. Sort of silly now that I have written it out, does it really matter how the people from my high school remember me. That was then and this is now. If they aren't interested so be it.

A little good.....

On an up note for this rough week, H and I did have one really good conversation, where I was able to just be in the moment with him and listen and validate his feelings. He accepted me there and I think was glad that I was there for him. Afterwards he asked me for a hug. So that felt really good! The conversation was about his dad, which is a difficult issue for him and for me. I know he is mad at me and his dad about our divorce and how he barely gets to see his dad. I know it would make it easier on him if he could just blame me for everything. I would let him if it would really make him feel better. He just has no control over what happens and when he gets to see his dad and I know that has got to be really frustrating for him. His dad just isn't very present in his life. So we had a good talk, but otherwise most of our communication this week has really sucked and you know it might be partially because of his dad. His dad called this week after no contact for 6 weeks, H called him the last time. So maybe talking to dad brought up all those confused and bitter feelings. H hasn't seen his dad in over a year now. His dad just hasn't been able to see him. I don't understand how that works, and I don't pretend to understand. I think it's pathetic and no excuse could ever make up for it. But I would never tell that to H, he would make up excuses for his dad and I don't want him to do that. Although when we talked I told him it wasn't fair and that he really does need to be able to see his dad more. It's more important for me to hear how H feels about it rather than tell him how I feel about it. I feel frustrated like he does, but just in a different way. I am mad that my sons father is treating him like this, but how do I intervene. How can I make things better, if I get on his dad, he will just get pissed off and that might mess things up for H. But it really makes me mad! Okay well I can write about this issue for hours, so I had better wrap it up.

Divorce is hard, I am finding that it's especially hard when you get divorced when the child is a baby, barely 1 year old. And the father moves across the country and isn't really involved but is the fun dad when he does see his son. The son gets older and really wants his dad, but hasn't really had a relationship with dad. I just try to be there for H and try to let him talk about it.

Rough week... anybody else..... misery loves company:)

This week has been really trying emotionally for me. I am PMSing for one thing and it seems to be really be intense. I have cried once almost twice this week and crying isn't one of my usual weekly things. I don't know what is going on. H has been really angry with me and I guess I have been on edge or anxious with him too. We have had one or two good talks but for the most part I seem to be sucked into every argument with him. It's like I can't see it and just let it go. I have been feeling a little overwhelmed, so that is probably the biggest part of my problem and I am sure I am giving those vibes off to him. But I have been doing everything and I have tried to do it joyfully without resentment, but for some reason this week I am feeling resentful. I guess it's because I thought maybe by now he would want to help me out and I have asked for his help and he has refused to help. I am finding it very hard this week to let that go. I feel resentment, like hey kid, I made your breakfast, cleaned up after it, made your lunch, cleaned up afterwards, took you here and had to wait and keep the little one entertained and awake during naptime and you can't help me out just a little bit! It's something about this week, I feel like I am off-balance, like I need to center but I don't know how. All I seem to be thinking about is how much I am doing and how much there is still to do. The kitchen is a mess, the fridge really needs to be cleaned out, the bathroom, well it's needed cleaning for way too long. All the floors have spots on them. I don't know it's like everywhere I look, all I can see is what needs to be done and feel like I am the only one who is going to do it. And it just feels overwhelming and like a huge pressure over me. It's stifling, and I feel guilty when I open my mouth and say things like, "can you please take care of that..., I got it out for you" and what not. And I feel so dang moody. Everything is getting on my nerves. And I seem to be needing more alone time, more quiet, down time. Well of course because I feel like I need it, H seems to need and want me more. Why is that. I hope this passes soon!!!!

weird litter outside the house....

Okay I just have to share about the weird litter that I have noticed outside our house. A few weeks ago as I was walking to my car, I looked down and to my utter surprise I saw..... a cardboard tampon applicator without a tampon, and it was crumpled up. I have to think..... a tampon isn't something you can use as you are walking down the street. I mean how did it get on the sidewalk in front of my house. I live in a city, in a residential neighborhood. We have single-family and multi family houses on our street. But how do you get to the point where you drop a tampon applicator while walking down the street. I just don't get it. Then yesterday as we were walking from the car to the house we noticed 2 condom wrappers, where did they come from???? My best guess on these was that someone was cleaning out their car in front of my house and found them and threw them on the ground. There is plenty of other litter that I find outside my house. Empty cigarette packs, plastic bags, newspaper sections, soda cans and bottles. But those so far have been the weirdest and the hardest to explain.....???

Pinewood Derby

H's cub scout pack's pinewood derby was last Sat. (I think it's where I picked up the flu bug) This was our first one. H worked really hard on his car. I was very proud of him and his work. He found the design he wanted and then his dad helped him draw the design on the block of wood. Then H used a coping saw and cut out his car. He sanded it and sealed it. He painted it and decorated it and then put on a coat of finishing wax. He did all that work mostly all by himself. There were a couple of days where he would get so frustrated that he would have to just leave it alone. He would get so mad, he would stomp off and kick stuff and need to let out the frustration. But the next day he would go back to it and he did it. Well his car wasn't the best performing one, it didn't win any awards. But I know that plenty of those cars weren't made by the kids. I know that plenty of them were made mostly by the dads. H's car did about average and it was great fun to watch him with his scout buds. H had a great time and he has some ideas for next years design!

the food coop

Okay so we did go and check out the city food coop. We got to talk to two of the members who were there when we got there. They are working on getting more and more of there food locally. They also order from big distributors, where you have to buy in bulk. It seems like a good start to trying to buy more local stuff, since it's a small up front commitment and we can choose how much we want to buy from there. I am most interested in the dairy, meat and poultry products. So I think we are going to maybe ease into that. A local international farmers market(it's actually a grocery store) is advertising that they are "going local" trying to get more from local farmers and having tastings at the store and what-not. So I am going to keep my eye on that for a bit and then just maybe use Soulard Market(farmers market) a lot more once the weather gets a little nicer.

Flu Bug

I have been out of action for most of this last week with the flu. I got bit bad, by the flu bug that is! I felt like I was coming down with something on Monday, but assumed it was just a cold. Boy was I wrong. Tuesday morning I woke up and just knew it wasn't going to be a good day. I babysat all day thanks to a dose of Tylenol. But I started getting the chills around 9:30 in the morning. I was freezing and the thermostat in the house said 75. I made it barely through the day and then just collapsed. Had a fever for 4 days and finally this morning I woke up and I was back to normal. Three days in bed is not much fun, especially when you just don't feel good. I would like to say that I was able to plan and organize the next few weeks or something productive like that. The most I was able to do was to read a little. It's so lonely having the flu, because you don't want to give it to anyone else. So you have to lock yourself away, only have visitors when you need them to get you something. My hubby and ds were wonderful and very worried about me. So far neither of them show any signs of the flu. I was really miserable so I really hope that there is no more flu in our house for a long, long, time! So make sure you wash your hands very frequently, stay away from sick people or crowds so you don't get the flu. Apparently the area hospitals just this last week saw a huge spike in flu cases, so it's spreading like wild fire here in the St. Louis area.

My hubby stayed home as much as he could to help me out and to keep H company. My poor little boy wanted me to come down and play with him and I just couldn't. Luckily on Thurday night it snowed big time so he had something to keep him busy on Friday.

So now that I am back hopefully I can get back to writing on here.

local food coop

Okay one more post for the day. We are thinking about joining a local food coop. They get a lot of their food from around this area and all the meats are pastured. I don't mind spending more if I am getting better quality food and better food for my body. Food the way it was supposed to be, not corn and animal by-product fed beef and chicken. So anyway, hopefully going to be checking on that this week-end. You have to pay a membership fee and then donate 4 hours of work a month. We can do that, H and I would have fun stocking or helping unload the food. Anyway we will see.....

Spring coop classes!

This past week we got the list of our learning coops classes. We had to make choices and turn them in by Monday. We should find out what classes H got into by the end of the week. His first choice was a fort building and then sleep over class. He loves to build so that should be a lot of fun. I think we had like 27 choices!!!! It was a lot. I am anxious to see which ones H got into, because a lot of them had small class sizes and I bet lots of the other kids wanted them as well.

Today H had his first Jr. Great books class. He had to read the Black Heart of Indri. It was a really good folk tale kind of story. When I asked H how the class went he proceeded to tell me all the trouble he made and how he made everybody laugh and was like the class clown. I refrained from getting upset and had to re-ask my question. Well I did and he told me in detail about what they talked about and how they answered questions people had, they always went around the circle and everybody got to give their answer, etc. So it sounded like it was a great time. I am so glad!

Tomorrow we have an outdoor games class to go to as long as it's not snowing or raining. I have heard great things about this class. The kids have fun figuring out games to play while the moms/parents get to sit inside, socialize and drink tea. It sounds wonderful to me! It is out in the country on a little piece of land. It's the place we went for the Solstice Barn dance. I can't remember if I wrote about that or not. It was a great time! My mom loved it. When she heard from someone else that I was going out there tomorrow she called me just to find out why I was going back out there. She wants to come to but has to work. She actually told me that she wants to be a homeschooler, she wants to be 9 again and be homeschooled like H. It was very cute, she really likes the learning coop that we belong to. I do to, it is a wonderful group of people. I hope to get more involved in it this year and especially after this spring when I won't be babysitting anymore.

Can't wait to find out what classes we got!

I love my mom...

It's been a week since my last post and not too much is new. I did have a long talk with my mom about what we are doing education wise. She is an early childhood educator at a private school that costs over $13,000 to send you child to per year. She was concerned about whether H was getting enough. She was concerned about whether or not he was writing. He hates to write, if he can write it in one word you might be able to get him to do it otherwise forget about it. We read together alot and do Mad libs for parts of speech, so he sometimes knows what an adjective is, but not always. I remember being forced to write and hating it. I got a lot of encouragement from teachers and my parents but I still hated it. It wasn't until 4th grade that I really remember having fun writing. My fourth grade teacher was very encouraging of writing, just letting it flow. I remember I wrote like a 4 page story for her and actually enjoyed writing it. I had sentences that were like a half a page long mind you but it was good reading! I still have sentence structure and paragraph issues. I hate having to write with structure, it always feels so stifling. So anyway, I told my mom about my breakdown and my crazy anxiety about whether or not H was learning what a third grader should know. I told her how much I worry about it and how when my mind is clear I know better than to worry. That it doesn't really matter whether or not he can spit out parts of a sentence or mulitiplication facts 0-10. He will learn what he needs to learn when he needs to learn it. After talking with her she actually agreed with me, but she did encourage me to try to get H to write with me. And I want him to write with me, I know he has great ideas in his head for stories but hates the physical act of writing. I would be happy to type it out for him or write it down. I just have to find the time to do it. I have to make the time. Maybe just start off small, where we sit down together and brainstorm ideas together. I would also like to do more creative writing so it would be good for me as well. We have talked about getting the stories he acts out in the yard on paper, it just hasn't happened yet. But back to my mom actually agreeing with me. She thinks it's wonderful that H has such great people skills, she thinks that is way more important than all that 3rd grade level work. It felt really good to have her say that what we essentially aren't doing is okay. She is very pro-homeschooling and to a certain extent unschooling just because in early childhood they do mostly child-centered learning. They play games and sing songs and have a ball everyday. I love my mom.

need a refresher

The past couple of weeks, has made me very aware that I need a refresher on unschooling. I have been much more critical of H and so darn anxious about his abilities in the "school" subjects. I have felt very disconnected from him and I know it's because he is shrinking away from my criticism. Well I would too, I can be so mean and cut him down when I get stressed out. My past parenting has been very controlling and I have to give him more credit for every step towards freedom that he takes. I just know it must be so hard for him when I get like this, stressed out and start reverting back to my controlling self. Sometimes I get so frustrated when he waits for my okay for everything he does, and then other times I catch myself getting a little upset when he actually goes and does something without checking with me first. It's such a different way of parenting than what I am used to and from what H is used to. I keep thinking why won't he just do what he wants to do, find his passions, get really involved in some interest. Well he is probably worried that I am going to start breathing down his neck if he does. We still need time, I need time and he needs time. I need to work on learning to deal better when I get stressed out and anxious and try to avoid blowing up at him. We have been deschooling since August and I think I have blown up at him twice, it seems like every two months I get freaked out. Maybe this spring will bring calmer times. I feel doubly troubled because with me babysitting it is less time I spend with H. Less attention he gets and it seems like when I am babysitting H isn't very nice to me. I am sure it's because he feels like it's not fair that I am not giving him all that attention. I guess I need to open up the communication and see if together we can solve all this tension between us. In August things were so good, we had the best times together. Now, I see him all day but we have very little interaction because of the toddler needing attention. I am going to make this work, it might take some time, but it is going to work!

God and me badge for scouts

So last night I started looking at the mentor book that I have to work through in order to help H work through the student workbook for this religious badge for cub scouts. This particular badge in one that he can carry over to boy scouts. Apparently this badge is a big deal. The book is called God and Me, and it says it was "created for Protestant and Independent Christian Churches for Children in grades 1-3". It's alot of praying for my child stuff and what I am thankful for, but the question that stumped me and got me thinking way more than I should about christianity and whether or not my beliefs line up was.....question #2 of section 2: Name some of the things that you hope the child will discover about Jesus as you work together on this study. My first thought was Jesus was non-judgemental, next thought was that Jesus loved all, and then for my third thought I wrote "he was not perfect". I have a feeling that many christians would not agree with me on that one, so I erased it and will have to come up with something else. But it really got me thinking about why I want Jesus to not be perfect.....

broke a record

Today we broke a record here in St. Louis. It got up to 73 degrees. It is the beginning of January and it felt like spring today. It was amazing. I volunteered at the zoo today while H and Curtis walked around the zoo and went to the Art Museum. It was a glorious day to be at the zoo. So many people came out. I got to see the new Babirusa baby, such a cute little piggy. I got a glimpse of the new Bongo baby. I hung out by the lions quite a bit, talking to visitors about our new brother and sister pair of lions and how great they are. While I was out there a keeper came out and threw them a ball to play with and came and talked to the docents that were there to fill us in a little bit about what was going on with the big cats. The lions were playful and great to watch and talk about. There were so many people there. After staying at the lions I went down to visit the chimps. Uti's arms were looking very bare, lots of hair pulling going on and she is so young. She was playing with Mlinzi a bit and checking in with mom every once in a while. Hugo is just so big, such a massive Chimpanzee. His size is amazing. It was good just to see them all again, it seems like it's been a long time, but just a couple of months I guess.
It was a good day!

I might have figured it out...

I have never really bought into organized religion. I am a spiritual person and I do believe in God. We pray before dinner each night and I thank God for all the blessings in my life. I also believe that I am not here on earth to judge others or have others judge me, that is for God to do. I have tried going to different churches and for a while we sort of found one that we liked....but I never really felt comfortable. It was a great place and it was all young people like us, but I just didn't like it. There is a new-ish church that is very close to home that has a huge young congregation, with lots of kids. I have been tempted several times to check it out, but so far we haven't gone. In the past I have always blamed it on not wanting to get up on Sunday morning. Which no doubt is part of it, Curtis and I love sleeping in on the week-ends. But I was thinking about it as I was talking to some moms at a playgroup who go to that church. I really liked the moms and was tempted to just go to the church just to meet people my age, since I need to find some friends. But..... I don't like churches, I don't like congregations of people being fed ideas of a select few, it just irks me, it's sort of cult-like. I mean they say they are preaching God's word and Jesus' teachings, but they always put their own spin on it. And then there is this mass of people being led by these teachings to believe that their view is somehow better, their way of praising God is better. Well it just starts to spiral in my head.... and I guess my problem is I question and then I am always the outsider. I don't like people judging others, and I have heard and seen alot of that in the few churches that I have been too. I know that we are all guilty of it at some point in time, but people in churches seem to somehow feel justified in letting their judgement be known because Jesus or God said so.... Well let them say-so then, it's not for us on earth. I still long for the community of a church, and hope that someday I will find that. And someday I am going to give that new church a try, maybe it will be different and I won't feel like an outsider and I won't see everyone else trying to fit into the mold set by the select few. I guess I am just pessimistic because I just think about all the hurt and pain that churches have inflicted on people over the years. All the persecution, all the wars, all the death that still goes on today. I guess in a way I am judging churches, but that is my gut feeling when I think about trying a new one. But I still give them a chance and I will give this new one a chance.

gone with the wind....

I finally saw the classic Gone With the Wind last night. It was an excellent movie! So much drama and turmoil. Overall I was very impressed with the quality, it's hard to believe it was filmed in 1939! I cried and felt for Scarlett and for Rhett and for Melly. Ashley was just a wishy-washy fool, who left Scarlett longing. She was so strong, and so independent, even if she could have had him she would have not wanted him once she got him. A really good drama, although it left me wondering if she got Rhett back....

I lost it...

Okay yesterday I let my panic and anxiety get the better of me. I unloaded on H about how worried I was about him keeping up his studies and how all I see him doing is watching tv and playing video games. After I was done ranting, I was able to take it all back and he didn't get upset. I just got overwhelmed by all these feelings and thoughts. Things like "why doesn't he have any interests besides tv and video games?" "He never seems to follow an interest on his own, if I want him doing something else I have to lead him." "Is he not interested in anything else, does he just not care?" "What about school, what about learning, doesn't he want to learn anything?" I have to admit that I am still a little conflicted. I know that he is only 8, so it's not likely that he is going to invest his own time, without help from me, into a project or interest. I guess I just wish he would do something on his own, without me mentioning or me leading or me initiating. I do all the reading of books, I do the pondering out loud, I do the "wow, wouldn't it be cool to think about this..." I guess another worry I have is that I am too hands-on, I don't give him the space he needs to feel confident to try something on his own, he always thinks he needs my help before even trying something. But I don't know how to wean him off needing me for everything. I have tried to just let go, let him do whatever he wants but all he does is watch tv and play video games. I mean occasionally he will want me to read to him or play a game with me, but for the most part if we are home he is in front of a screen. I guess I just feel frustrated, I want us to do something together, but I don't want to be the one who decides what we do???? I want him to decide, come up with the plans and start on it all on his own and then ask me for help or guidance. But I guess he is still a little young for independent work. He still has this fear of chapter books, he refuses to read books that have little words and no pictures. He can do it, he just won't even try. So I do all the reading, which I enjoy reading and have enjoyed the books I have read to him. Okay I just feel like I am going round in circles with this. I need to find peace and understanding that things are okay. That it's my own insecurity or need for some sort of measure of how he is doing. I need to let go, to trust that he has the curiousity and desire to learn and I really need to trust that he will find his own interests and that I need to stop digging to find them and then thrust them on him. That he needs to learn how to follow his interests and to wait for him to ask for help and not be over-bearing when he does. I realize now that I am so quick to take the first sign of an interest and go and get tons of books out from the library about it, but I don't really include him in the process. I just do it, thinking that I will just read the books to him and we will explore the subject together. I need to relax and let it happen. I just need to stop getting so worked up and worried. I know that another part of my problem is that we have C during the week and so I don't really spend anytime or attention on just H during the day. That is hard for both him and me. I need to change that and C will just have to deal with not always being the center of attention.

Things are looking up. It's always so good to get it all out, work it through and then move on.

Happy New Year!

Welcome 2008!
Another year is here. And with each new year I try to re-evaluate my goals and direction in life. Now that I am not working outside the home, I feel it is more important to make some resolutions/goals for each year. Although I don't like to admit it I am a creature of habit and while I would like to be able to just flow. I function better with schedules and goals and what-not. Now that I am unschooling with my son and we are still sort of deschooling. I get a little panicky when I feel like I don't know what I am interested in, or can't figure out what I should be reading or studying.

So now is the time to think about what it is I want to do this year and make some measurable goals. There are a few things that I thought I was interested in, but so far haven't had a good experience learning them. For instance, I really thought that I wanted to learn latin. I got the Prima Latina book and CD, but just haven't really taken to it. Part of it might be that I have trouble finding the time to do it. So I am thinking that for 2008 I want to finish this first book, that will be one goal of mine. My other resolutions or goals I will go ahead and share, some I will expand upon while others I will keep the measures to myself.

So my first goal is to finish the Prima Latina book.

Another goal I have is to knit a pair of socks for myself. I have recently taken up knitting and I have always wanted to be able to knit myself some socks!

I want to work on being a better friend. I keep myself so busy and push people out, I don't like doing that but it's so much easier sometimes. So I want to develop the acquaintances I have into friendships. I do not find it easy to meet and make friends so I really want to work on that.

I want to keep a journal/blog, so this place is going to start hopping! I am hopefully going to start writing everyday at some point!

I think I want to learn to play the guitar so I am going to look into taking a class through the community college. I am also wanting to work on my piano skills, so I am getting an instruction book and plan on making a goals for this year based on the book.

I want to read at least 26 books with H, that is approximately 1 book every two weeks. Curtis looked at me funny when I told him this one. It will be a bit challenging but I really want to read more with him.

I want to do more writing, meaning creative writing. I want to model for H how much fun writing can be, how controlling the story line can be fun. I want to re-awaken the writer in me. I hope to maybe use blogging to help with this goal. I am not sure how to measure this goal, but I am working on it.

I want to paint my bedroom and get curtains for it. I already have the paint. I just need to do it and figure out what curtains I want in there.

I want to be more pro-active with my ex(H's father). I have a few things I need to work on and plan to really get some good rules down so we all know what is going on when. I hate how up in the air things are now and it's not good for H.

I want to work on a health related goal, but not sure what I want to do. Now that Curtis has a weight bench, maybe I will start working with weights. I know that doing weight bearing exercises is good for your bones. Just not sure what I would use as a measure? Maybe I could see what the heaviest weight I can do a couple reps with and make a reasonable goal for the end of the year. Okay so that one is a work in progress.

I have encouraged H to write out his resolutions/goals. I know of one that he has, he wants to be able to run for longer without getting tired. So he is going to take a run with one of our dogs every day.

Goals are good to have. They keep us striving for better and they help us to learn and do more. Just make sure the goal is measurable other wise it's worthless.