local food coop

Okay one more post for the day. We are thinking about joining a local food coop. They get a lot of their food from around this area and all the meats are pastured. I don't mind spending more if I am getting better quality food and better food for my body. Food the way it was supposed to be, not corn and animal by-product fed beef and chicken. So anyway, hopefully going to be checking on that this week-end. You have to pay a membership fee and then donate 4 hours of work a month. We can do that, H and I would have fun stocking or helping unload the food. Anyway we will see.....

Spring coop classes!

This past week we got the list of our learning coops classes. We had to make choices and turn them in by Monday. We should find out what classes H got into by the end of the week. His first choice was a fort building and then sleep over class. He loves to build so that should be a lot of fun. I think we had like 27 choices!!!! It was a lot. I am anxious to see which ones H got into, because a lot of them had small class sizes and I bet lots of the other kids wanted them as well.

Today H had his first Jr. Great books class. He had to read the Black Heart of Indri. It was a really good folk tale kind of story. When I asked H how the class went he proceeded to tell me all the trouble he made and how he made everybody laugh and was like the class clown. I refrained from getting upset and had to re-ask my question. Well I did and he told me in detail about what they talked about and how they answered questions people had, they always went around the circle and everybody got to give their answer, etc. So it sounded like it was a great time. I am so glad!

Tomorrow we have an outdoor games class to go to as long as it's not snowing or raining. I have heard great things about this class. The kids have fun figuring out games to play while the moms/parents get to sit inside, socialize and drink tea. It sounds wonderful to me! It is out in the country on a little piece of land. It's the place we went for the Solstice Barn dance. I can't remember if I wrote about that or not. It was a great time! My mom loved it. When she heard from someone else that I was going out there tomorrow she called me just to find out why I was going back out there. She wants to come to but has to work. She actually told me that she wants to be a homeschooler, she wants to be 9 again and be homeschooled like H. It was very cute, she really likes the learning coop that we belong to. I do to, it is a wonderful group of people. I hope to get more involved in it this year and especially after this spring when I won't be babysitting anymore.

Can't wait to find out what classes we got!

I love my mom...

It's been a week since my last post and not too much is new. I did have a long talk with my mom about what we are doing education wise. She is an early childhood educator at a private school that costs over $13,000 to send you child to per year. She was concerned about whether H was getting enough. She was concerned about whether or not he was writing. He hates to write, if he can write it in one word you might be able to get him to do it otherwise forget about it. We read together alot and do Mad libs for parts of speech, so he sometimes knows what an adjective is, but not always. I remember being forced to write and hating it. I got a lot of encouragement from teachers and my parents but I still hated it. It wasn't until 4th grade that I really remember having fun writing. My fourth grade teacher was very encouraging of writing, just letting it flow. I remember I wrote like a 4 page story for her and actually enjoyed writing it. I had sentences that were like a half a page long mind you but it was good reading! I still have sentence structure and paragraph issues. I hate having to write with structure, it always feels so stifling. So anyway, I told my mom about my breakdown and my crazy anxiety about whether or not H was learning what a third grader should know. I told her how much I worry about it and how when my mind is clear I know better than to worry. That it doesn't really matter whether or not he can spit out parts of a sentence or mulitiplication facts 0-10. He will learn what he needs to learn when he needs to learn it. After talking with her she actually agreed with me, but she did encourage me to try to get H to write with me. And I want him to write with me, I know he has great ideas in his head for stories but hates the physical act of writing. I would be happy to type it out for him or write it down. I just have to find the time to do it. I have to make the time. Maybe just start off small, where we sit down together and brainstorm ideas together. I would also like to do more creative writing so it would be good for me as well. We have talked about getting the stories he acts out in the yard on paper, it just hasn't happened yet. But back to my mom actually agreeing with me. She thinks it's wonderful that H has such great people skills, she thinks that is way more important than all that 3rd grade level work. It felt really good to have her say that what we essentially aren't doing is okay. She is very pro-homeschooling and to a certain extent unschooling just because in early childhood they do mostly child-centered learning. They play games and sing songs and have a ball everyday. I love my mom.

need a refresher

The past couple of weeks, has made me very aware that I need a refresher on unschooling. I have been much more critical of H and so darn anxious about his abilities in the "school" subjects. I have felt very disconnected from him and I know it's because he is shrinking away from my criticism. Well I would too, I can be so mean and cut him down when I get stressed out. My past parenting has been very controlling and I have to give him more credit for every step towards freedom that he takes. I just know it must be so hard for him when I get like this, stressed out and start reverting back to my controlling self. Sometimes I get so frustrated when he waits for my okay for everything he does, and then other times I catch myself getting a little upset when he actually goes and does something without checking with me first. It's such a different way of parenting than what I am used to and from what H is used to. I keep thinking why won't he just do what he wants to do, find his passions, get really involved in some interest. Well he is probably worried that I am going to start breathing down his neck if he does. We still need time, I need time and he needs time. I need to work on learning to deal better when I get stressed out and anxious and try to avoid blowing up at him. We have been deschooling since August and I think I have blown up at him twice, it seems like every two months I get freaked out. Maybe this spring will bring calmer times. I feel doubly troubled because with me babysitting it is less time I spend with H. Less attention he gets and it seems like when I am babysitting H isn't very nice to me. I am sure it's because he feels like it's not fair that I am not giving him all that attention. I guess I need to open up the communication and see if together we can solve all this tension between us. In August things were so good, we had the best times together. Now, I see him all day but we have very little interaction because of the toddler needing attention. I am going to make this work, it might take some time, but it is going to work!

God and me badge for scouts

So last night I started looking at the mentor book that I have to work through in order to help H work through the student workbook for this religious badge for cub scouts. This particular badge in one that he can carry over to boy scouts. Apparently this badge is a big deal. The book is called God and Me, and it says it was "created for Protestant and Independent Christian Churches for Children in grades 1-3". It's alot of praying for my child stuff and what I am thankful for, but the question that stumped me and got me thinking way more than I should about christianity and whether or not my beliefs line up was.....question #2 of section 2: Name some of the things that you hope the child will discover about Jesus as you work together on this study. My first thought was Jesus was non-judgemental, next thought was that Jesus loved all, and then for my third thought I wrote "he was not perfect". I have a feeling that many christians would not agree with me on that one, so I erased it and will have to come up with something else. But it really got me thinking about why I want Jesus to not be perfect.....

broke a record

Today we broke a record here in St. Louis. It got up to 73 degrees. It is the beginning of January and it felt like spring today. It was amazing. I volunteered at the zoo today while H and Curtis walked around the zoo and went to the Art Museum. It was a glorious day to be at the zoo. So many people came out. I got to see the new Babirusa baby, such a cute little piggy. I got a glimpse of the new Bongo baby. I hung out by the lions quite a bit, talking to visitors about our new brother and sister pair of lions and how great they are. While I was out there a keeper came out and threw them a ball to play with and came and talked to the docents that were there to fill us in a little bit about what was going on with the big cats. The lions were playful and great to watch and talk about. There were so many people there. After staying at the lions I went down to visit the chimps. Uti's arms were looking very bare, lots of hair pulling going on and she is so young. She was playing with Mlinzi a bit and checking in with mom every once in a while. Hugo is just so big, such a massive Chimpanzee. His size is amazing. It was good just to see them all again, it seems like it's been a long time, but just a couple of months I guess.
It was a good day!

I might have figured it out...

I have never really bought into organized religion. I am a spiritual person and I do believe in God. We pray before dinner each night and I thank God for all the blessings in my life. I also believe that I am not here on earth to judge others or have others judge me, that is for God to do. I have tried going to different churches and for a while we sort of found one that we liked....but I never really felt comfortable. It was a great place and it was all young people like us, but I just didn't like it. There is a new-ish church that is very close to home that has a huge young congregation, with lots of kids. I have been tempted several times to check it out, but so far we haven't gone. In the past I have always blamed it on not wanting to get up on Sunday morning. Which no doubt is part of it, Curtis and I love sleeping in on the week-ends. But I was thinking about it as I was talking to some moms at a playgroup who go to that church. I really liked the moms and was tempted to just go to the church just to meet people my age, since I need to find some friends. But..... I don't like churches, I don't like congregations of people being fed ideas of a select few, it just irks me, it's sort of cult-like. I mean they say they are preaching God's word and Jesus' teachings, but they always put their own spin on it. And then there is this mass of people being led by these teachings to believe that their view is somehow better, their way of praising God is better. Well it just starts to spiral in my head.... and I guess my problem is I question and then I am always the outsider. I don't like people judging others, and I have heard and seen alot of that in the few churches that I have been too. I know that we are all guilty of it at some point in time, but people in churches seem to somehow feel justified in letting their judgement be known because Jesus or God said so.... Well let them say-so then, it's not for us on earth. I still long for the community of a church, and hope that someday I will find that. And someday I am going to give that new church a try, maybe it will be different and I won't feel like an outsider and I won't see everyone else trying to fit into the mold set by the select few. I guess I am just pessimistic because I just think about all the hurt and pain that churches have inflicted on people over the years. All the persecution, all the wars, all the death that still goes on today. I guess in a way I am judging churches, but that is my gut feeling when I think about trying a new one. But I still give them a chance and I will give this new one a chance.

gone with the wind....

I finally saw the classic Gone With the Wind last night. It was an excellent movie! So much drama and turmoil. Overall I was very impressed with the quality, it's hard to believe it was filmed in 1939! I cried and felt for Scarlett and for Rhett and for Melly. Ashley was just a wishy-washy fool, who left Scarlett longing. She was so strong, and so independent, even if she could have had him she would have not wanted him once she got him. A really good drama, although it left me wondering if she got Rhett back....

I lost it...

Okay yesterday I let my panic and anxiety get the better of me. I unloaded on H about how worried I was about him keeping up his studies and how all I see him doing is watching tv and playing video games. After I was done ranting, I was able to take it all back and he didn't get upset. I just got overwhelmed by all these feelings and thoughts. Things like "why doesn't he have any interests besides tv and video games?" "He never seems to follow an interest on his own, if I want him doing something else I have to lead him." "Is he not interested in anything else, does he just not care?" "What about school, what about learning, doesn't he want to learn anything?" I have to admit that I am still a little conflicted. I know that he is only 8, so it's not likely that he is going to invest his own time, without help from me, into a project or interest. I guess I just wish he would do something on his own, without me mentioning or me leading or me initiating. I do all the reading of books, I do the pondering out loud, I do the "wow, wouldn't it be cool to think about this..." I guess another worry I have is that I am too hands-on, I don't give him the space he needs to feel confident to try something on his own, he always thinks he needs my help before even trying something. But I don't know how to wean him off needing me for everything. I have tried to just let go, let him do whatever he wants but all he does is watch tv and play video games. I mean occasionally he will want me to read to him or play a game with me, but for the most part if we are home he is in front of a screen. I guess I just feel frustrated, I want us to do something together, but I don't want to be the one who decides what we do???? I want him to decide, come up with the plans and start on it all on his own and then ask me for help or guidance. But I guess he is still a little young for independent work. He still has this fear of chapter books, he refuses to read books that have little words and no pictures. He can do it, he just won't even try. So I do all the reading, which I enjoy reading and have enjoyed the books I have read to him. Okay I just feel like I am going round in circles with this. I need to find peace and understanding that things are okay. That it's my own insecurity or need for some sort of measure of how he is doing. I need to let go, to trust that he has the curiousity and desire to learn and I really need to trust that he will find his own interests and that I need to stop digging to find them and then thrust them on him. That he needs to learn how to follow his interests and to wait for him to ask for help and not be over-bearing when he does. I realize now that I am so quick to take the first sign of an interest and go and get tons of books out from the library about it, but I don't really include him in the process. I just do it, thinking that I will just read the books to him and we will explore the subject together. I need to relax and let it happen. I just need to stop getting so worked up and worried. I know that another part of my problem is that we have C during the week and so I don't really spend anytime or attention on just H during the day. That is hard for both him and me. I need to change that and C will just have to deal with not always being the center of attention.

Things are looking up. It's always so good to get it all out, work it through and then move on.

Happy New Year!

Welcome 2008!
Another year is here. And with each new year I try to re-evaluate my goals and direction in life. Now that I am not working outside the home, I feel it is more important to make some resolutions/goals for each year. Although I don't like to admit it I am a creature of habit and while I would like to be able to just flow. I function better with schedules and goals and what-not. Now that I am unschooling with my son and we are still sort of deschooling. I get a little panicky when I feel like I don't know what I am interested in, or can't figure out what I should be reading or studying.

So now is the time to think about what it is I want to do this year and make some measurable goals. There are a few things that I thought I was interested in, but so far haven't had a good experience learning them. For instance, I really thought that I wanted to learn latin. I got the Prima Latina book and CD, but just haven't really taken to it. Part of it might be that I have trouble finding the time to do it. So I am thinking that for 2008 I want to finish this first book, that will be one goal of mine. My other resolutions or goals I will go ahead and share, some I will expand upon while others I will keep the measures to myself.

So my first goal is to finish the Prima Latina book.

Another goal I have is to knit a pair of socks for myself. I have recently taken up knitting and I have always wanted to be able to knit myself some socks!

I want to work on being a better friend. I keep myself so busy and push people out, I don't like doing that but it's so much easier sometimes. So I want to develop the acquaintances I have into friendships. I do not find it easy to meet and make friends so I really want to work on that.

I want to keep a journal/blog, so this place is going to start hopping! I am hopefully going to start writing everyday at some point!

I think I want to learn to play the guitar so I am going to look into taking a class through the community college. I am also wanting to work on my piano skills, so I am getting an instruction book and plan on making a goals for this year based on the book.

I want to read at least 26 books with H, that is approximately 1 book every two weeks. Curtis looked at me funny when I told him this one. It will be a bit challenging but I really want to read more with him.

I want to do more writing, meaning creative writing. I want to model for H how much fun writing can be, how controlling the story line can be fun. I want to re-awaken the writer in me. I hope to maybe use blogging to help with this goal. I am not sure how to measure this goal, but I am working on it.

I want to paint my bedroom and get curtains for it. I already have the paint. I just need to do it and figure out what curtains I want in there.

I want to be more pro-active with my ex(H's father). I have a few things I need to work on and plan to really get some good rules down so we all know what is going on when. I hate how up in the air things are now and it's not good for H.

I want to work on a health related goal, but not sure what I want to do. Now that Curtis has a weight bench, maybe I will start working with weights. I know that doing weight bearing exercises is good for your bones. Just not sure what I would use as a measure? Maybe I could see what the heaviest weight I can do a couple reps with and make a reasonable goal for the end of the year. Okay so that one is a work in progress.

I have encouraged H to write out his resolutions/goals. I know of one that he has, he wants to be able to run for longer without getting tired. So he is going to take a run with one of our dogs every day.

Goals are good to have. They keep us striving for better and they help us to learn and do more. Just make sure the goal is measurable other wise it's worthless.