I tend to have a short fuse, and well it is becoming more and more apparent that H does too. He has been flying off the handle at little things and big things. Today he was just mean to me. Sometimes I wonder if he is asking me for limits, that he is uncomfortable with me just letting things happen. Some of the things he has done over the last month... I can remember things he has said basically asking me to discipline him. I guess when I was disciplining he knew I cared, he knew how I felt, now even though I tell him I love him and that i don't want him to be angry or have yucky feelings, he wants my actions to show it as well, or something. I used to get really mad and just end the conversation by telling him to go to his room or to tell him I need some space to just leave me alone. But it was always me having the power, now I am letting him have the power and it is sometimes leaving me feeling powerless over what is happening. I want to be the nurturing parent I read about, the one who just hugs her child when he is having a yucky feeling, and I have tried that, but I think H would get annoyed with that really quick. I try to just be in the moment, that seems to piss him off, he wants me to be reactionary and when I am not, he taunts me more. It is really becoming a problem. I am really trying to analyze my behavior and am finding some things that I need to just let go.
The one thing I am doing is not catching my tongue about the irritations, so when he is doing something that isn't really a big deal but is bothering me I say something, he doesn't listen, I say something again, he doesn't listen and then I fly off the handle. Or the other situation that arises is that I set a limit, and he pushes and I decide that he is right that I really don't need to set that limit or that decision or whatever it is, so I let it go. But then even though I have conceded, that is how i feel, I feel unlistened to, under appreciated, and sort of walked on. It has just gotten so tough!
I have a really hard time when H gets mad and mean, because I watch a 2 year old little boy and I really don't think it's fair for H to treat him badly. So H will call him names and be mean to him and it just really irks me, but then H wants me to play with him after he has just made my day harder. It's really been a push and pull kind of place around here lately. I am really trying, but a big part of me, just wants to take back all the control, and put H back in his place, get things back to where I rule and he has to follow the rules. I know that isn't what I really want but I am questioning whether this is right and healthy for him at this point in his life. He seems to be questioning whether he is worthy.... I don't know, he has just done a lot of talking about how he wishes he were dead and asking me and god why he was even born.... stuff that is very scary and upsetting to me.
Today he was mean and mad because World of Warcraft was doing their maintenance so he couldn't play so he called the 2 year old an idiot and threw the blocks we were all playing with around yelled and went into the other room and kicked a box around. The blocks he was playing with kept falling apart, and he was getting frustrated but when I asked him why he was so mad, he told me it was because he couldn't play WoW. His reaction just didn't seem quite in line with not being able to play a game. So then he mentioned that he was mad at me for taking on this babysitting job, that the 2 year old has been the cause of our problems. Then he wanted to treat the 2 year old how I treat him, with the same expectations. There is a big difference between a 9 year old and a 2 year old development wise and he was being totally unreasonable. I just tried to make it clear that we all have to feel safe in this house and that we can't treat each other in such a mean way. I don't know....
I know that me babysitting hasn't been easy on him or on me. But I made the commitment and it's almost over, and I don't think our relationship is going to miraculously change once he is gone. H has just had a really hard time sharing me, although, he used to have to share me with work and school, so I just don't know where he is coming from. I feel so lost with how to work with him....
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