A little good.....

On an up note for this rough week, H and I did have one really good conversation, where I was able to just be in the moment with him and listen and validate his feelings. He accepted me there and I think was glad that I was there for him. Afterwards he asked me for a hug. So that felt really good! The conversation was about his dad, which is a difficult issue for him and for me. I know he is mad at me and his dad about our divorce and how he barely gets to see his dad. I know it would make it easier on him if he could just blame me for everything. I would let him if it would really make him feel better. He just has no control over what happens and when he gets to see his dad and I know that has got to be really frustrating for him. His dad just isn't very present in his life. So we had a good talk, but otherwise most of our communication this week has really sucked and you know it might be partially because of his dad. His dad called this week after no contact for 6 weeks, H called him the last time. So maybe talking to dad brought up all those confused and bitter feelings. H hasn't seen his dad in over a year now. His dad just hasn't been able to see him. I don't understand how that works, and I don't pretend to understand. I think it's pathetic and no excuse could ever make up for it. But I would never tell that to H, he would make up excuses for his dad and I don't want him to do that. Although when we talked I told him it wasn't fair and that he really does need to be able to see his dad more. It's more important for me to hear how H feels about it rather than tell him how I feel about it. I feel frustrated like he does, but just in a different way. I am mad that my sons father is treating him like this, but how do I intervene. How can I make things better, if I get on his dad, he will just get pissed off and that might mess things up for H. But it really makes me mad! Okay well I can write about this issue for hours, so I had better wrap it up.

Divorce is hard, I am finding that it's especially hard when you get divorced when the child is a baby, barely 1 year old. And the father moves across the country and isn't really involved but is the fun dad when he does see his son. The son gets older and really wants his dad, but hasn't really had a relationship with dad. I just try to be there for H and try to let him talk about it.

Rough week... anybody else..... misery loves company:)

This week has been really trying emotionally for me. I am PMSing for one thing and it seems to be really be intense. I have cried once almost twice this week and crying isn't one of my usual weekly things. I don't know what is going on. H has been really angry with me and I guess I have been on edge or anxious with him too. We have had one or two good talks but for the most part I seem to be sucked into every argument with him. It's like I can't see it and just let it go. I have been feeling a little overwhelmed, so that is probably the biggest part of my problem and I am sure I am giving those vibes off to him. But I have been doing everything and I have tried to do it joyfully without resentment, but for some reason this week I am feeling resentful. I guess it's because I thought maybe by now he would want to help me out and I have asked for his help and he has refused to help. I am finding it very hard this week to let that go. I feel resentment, like hey kid, I made your breakfast, cleaned up after it, made your lunch, cleaned up afterwards, took you here and had to wait and keep the little one entertained and awake during naptime and you can't help me out just a little bit! It's something about this week, I feel like I am off-balance, like I need to center but I don't know how. All I seem to be thinking about is how much I am doing and how much there is still to do. The kitchen is a mess, the fridge really needs to be cleaned out, the bathroom, well it's needed cleaning for way too long. All the floors have spots on them. I don't know it's like everywhere I look, all I can see is what needs to be done and feel like I am the only one who is going to do it. And it just feels overwhelming and like a huge pressure over me. It's stifling, and I feel guilty when I open my mouth and say things like, "can you please take care of that..., I got it out for you" and what not. And I feel so dang moody. Everything is getting on my nerves. And I seem to be needing more alone time, more quiet, down time. Well of course because I feel like I need it, H seems to need and want me more. Why is that. I hope this passes soon!!!!

weird litter outside the house....

Okay I just have to share about the weird litter that I have noticed outside our house. A few weeks ago as I was walking to my car, I looked down and to my utter surprise I saw..... a cardboard tampon applicator without a tampon, and it was crumpled up. I have to think..... a tampon isn't something you can use as you are walking down the street. I mean how did it get on the sidewalk in front of my house. I live in a city, in a residential neighborhood. We have single-family and multi family houses on our street. But how do you get to the point where you drop a tampon applicator while walking down the street. I just don't get it. Then yesterday as we were walking from the car to the house we noticed 2 condom wrappers, where did they come from???? My best guess on these was that someone was cleaning out their car in front of my house and found them and threw them on the ground. There is plenty of other litter that I find outside my house. Empty cigarette packs, plastic bags, newspaper sections, soda cans and bottles. But those so far have been the weirdest and the hardest to explain.....???

Pinewood Derby

H's cub scout pack's pinewood derby was last Sat. (I think it's where I picked up the flu bug) This was our first one. H worked really hard on his car. I was very proud of him and his work. He found the design he wanted and then his dad helped him draw the design on the block of wood. Then H used a coping saw and cut out his car. He sanded it and sealed it. He painted it and decorated it and then put on a coat of finishing wax. He did all that work mostly all by himself. There were a couple of days where he would get so frustrated that he would have to just leave it alone. He would get so mad, he would stomp off and kick stuff and need to let out the frustration. But the next day he would go back to it and he did it. Well his car wasn't the best performing one, it didn't win any awards. But I know that plenty of those cars weren't made by the kids. I know that plenty of them were made mostly by the dads. H's car did about average and it was great fun to watch him with his scout buds. H had a great time and he has some ideas for next years design!

the food coop

Okay so we did go and check out the city food coop. We got to talk to two of the members who were there when we got there. They are working on getting more and more of there food locally. They also order from big distributors, where you have to buy in bulk. It seems like a good start to trying to buy more local stuff, since it's a small up front commitment and we can choose how much we want to buy from there. I am most interested in the dairy, meat and poultry products. So I think we are going to maybe ease into that. A local international farmers market(it's actually a grocery store) is advertising that they are "going local" trying to get more from local farmers and having tastings at the store and what-not. So I am going to keep my eye on that for a bit and then just maybe use Soulard Market(farmers market) a lot more once the weather gets a little nicer.

Flu Bug

I have been out of action for most of this last week with the flu. I got bit bad, by the flu bug that is! I felt like I was coming down with something on Monday, but assumed it was just a cold. Boy was I wrong. Tuesday morning I woke up and just knew it wasn't going to be a good day. I babysat all day thanks to a dose of Tylenol. But I started getting the chills around 9:30 in the morning. I was freezing and the thermostat in the house said 75. I made it barely through the day and then just collapsed. Had a fever for 4 days and finally this morning I woke up and I was back to normal. Three days in bed is not much fun, especially when you just don't feel good. I would like to say that I was able to plan and organize the next few weeks or something productive like that. The most I was able to do was to read a little. It's so lonely having the flu, because you don't want to give it to anyone else. So you have to lock yourself away, only have visitors when you need them to get you something. My hubby and ds were wonderful and very worried about me. So far neither of them show any signs of the flu. I was really miserable so I really hope that there is no more flu in our house for a long, long, time! So make sure you wash your hands very frequently, stay away from sick people or crowds so you don't get the flu. Apparently the area hospitals just this last week saw a huge spike in flu cases, so it's spreading like wild fire here in the St. Louis area.

My hubby stayed home as much as he could to help me out and to keep H company. My poor little boy wanted me to come down and play with him and I just couldn't. Luckily on Thurday night it snowed big time so he had something to keep him busy on Friday.

So now that I am back hopefully I can get back to writing on here.